Have you ever held a grudge against another person and/or yourself at one point in your life? I feel confident saying that the majority of you probably have and a lot of you may still be holding onto grudges today! How do you feel with a grudge trapped inside your body? If you are anything like me they eat you up inside whether you think of them or not. How is that serving you? Its not!!
We spend our lives living in our head analyzing other people’s actions or words and creating our own meaning to it. The more we analyze, the more the grudge begins to grow bigger and bigger until it begins to eat us up inside. Our reaction to another persons actions create our feelings. If we can stop ourselves from reacting, we can rid any anxiety before it is even started.
But — the BIG questions is HOW can we stop ourselves?
When someone says or does something that triggers us in some way we react. The reaction we have creates a feeling internally. This feeling may come out as anger, frustration, fear, sadness, doubt in yourself, feeling like a victim, or any other negative emotion. This negative emotion can cause a great hardship on your life and it all began with the actions or words from someone else! When you look at it this way it sounds crazy to suffer because of someone else right?
Your external life is a reflection of YOU
When you begin to look around at your circle of friends and family it becomes very eye opening to the kind of people you are attracting. Our own energy brings forward the people we are meant to either have a soul connection with or those we are meant to learn lessons from. Either type of person can be looked at as a step forward because whether someone helps you realize your soul potential or helps you learn a life lesson either through some hardship or a breakthrough, they both help with your personal growth.
Viewing my Personal External World
Personally, I have had a long standing fear of confrontation. I hold back from saying my inner most feelings instead of saying how I feel for fear of having to actually confront the person around it and possibly defend myself (the story I created in my mind). This fear of confrontation caused me to hold a lot of emotions inside and essentially turn me into a “victim”. Once I realized I am not a victim and have the ability to change that mindset at any point by sharing my feelings not to forget what someone else said or did but to release my own pain, I felt free.
When I learned that the people who show up in my life are reflections of me, I realized that my fear of confrontation was attracting the tough lessons I needed to overcome this. Unfortunately, the lessons continued to get harder because I was not facing my fears and communicating. I would therefore keep my feelings to myself, internalize my pain and distance myself from people in my life so I didn’t have to deal with them at all. I lost a bunch of friendships over this and I don’t think they ever understood why our friendship ended. Did this make me whole and complete? By whole and complete I mean getting rid of whatever doesn’t serve me and living in peace even with the knowledge that we are all imperfect but complete as we are. Absolutely no! It made me down in the dumps!!!Who wants to push away important people in your life?
I looked around my world and realized that I have passive aggressive people in my life who are essentially a reflection of me. Passive aggressive people avoid confrontation but instead of saying nothing, they say derogatory comments to try to get you to feel bad for them without actually saying the words. This creates more tension between people and is exactly what drives me crazy! When someone is passive aggressive, you don’t understand what is troubling the person but can tell with their tone of voice or what they say that they are bottling up their actual feelings inside. You begin to create your own story of why they are angry and cause yourself to be triggered as a result. I’ve learned that the key to overcoming this is to not let someone else’s actions or words affect you even if ever bone in your body wants to react. Once we leave our place of zen and fall into a lower vibration anything in your life can begin to trigger you. Who wants to feel less than zen and attract anything you DO NOT want?
Regardless of the grudge you have been holding onto because of someone else or the grudge you have with yourself, you are left with less or no power. Whatever you believe happened is true because you believe your beliefs. So if you feel you are right or wrong or another person is right or wrong you are both RIGHT either way.
How to let Grudges Go
So, what is the solution then? How do we let a grudge go? What if you can’t ? Maybe someone you have a grudge against did a horrible, unforgivable thing?
You can let your grudge go and communicate with a person to feel whole and complete. Repairing of the relationship or getting the other person to say “I’m Sorry” isn’t required. A simple letting go of pain you have been holding onto and then move forward does the job. If talking to the person isn’t possible, you can also write a letter as if talking to the person and then burn it leaving the past behind you.
The real power comes to you when you can muster up the strength and courage to forgive so that you are worthy enough to heal and find peace. The power that you lost holding onto that grudge now reappears. Cant you just feel that weight lifted from your chest?
You do NOT actually need to forget what that person did and pretend it didn’t happen. You accept whatever happened happened and that you are right to feel what you feel. Then you forgive yourself, realize the past is over and recreate your future.
Forgiveness is not for the other person involved. It is actually for YOU to heal. When we forgive it does not mean we are weak or we are forgetting what happened. It means you are strong and are allowing yourself to heal from something that you now are ready to put behind you and move past. That is NEVER going to be easy but letting that pain and suffering you have go is SO worth it!
Lets strive to live a life knowing that we are all imperfect but that it is possible to be whole and complete just by releasing to the external world whatever doesn’t serve us.
While writing this blog I triggered a song blaring in my head. I will leave you with the words that resonate deeply for purposes of this blog:
“There are people in your life who have come and gone they let you down you know they hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you because life moves on you keep carrying that anger it will eat you up inside.”
– Don Henley, The Heart of the matter.
With much love and gratitude,